On the 10th of March, grandpa’s admitted to the hospital, and i’m sitting here, unable to do a thing. I feel so guilty, i should have just called home and ask if everything’s ok. But i just don’t have time to call, and the most important thing is that, i can’t find the guts to call, i myself do not know why. I’m just afraid, and i really hate this. I feel so uneasy, and unsure. I seriously do not know what to say and i feel so alone, so… Sigh. I hate this indescribable and undesirable feelings.

The last time i felt like this was 4 years ago, when my uncle pass away. That morning, Chey drove me to tuition and on the way, we discussed whether i should go to tuition or not because both of us felt that something is going wrong. So we turned back home. When we reached home, and few minutes after that, Erjie received a phone call from my cousin saying that Tiaotiao was gone. Immediately after that, mom received a phone call from Korkor (my 2nd auntie) saying the same thing. Dad screamed and cried. Mom broke down into tears. I was dumbfounded. I was so shocked, i didn’t know what to do or say.

Of course i know, it’s the circle of life. But i’m just sad and tensed. Since Wednesday, i worried so much but as usual, nobody knew. I was hurt, for sure because i know at this moment of time, being here alone will definitely make me feel even sad, even alone, even left out.

Even if somebody here know something about this, it won’t make any difference. Because they just don’t care. They won’t want to bother about this anyways. I was then given tasks to do, tasks which was given to me and not somebody else because of some selfish reasons. Angry, and seriously annoyed i was. I felt like the world is so unfair, and i planned to finish it the easy way. I wanted to say no to the task because i was and i am not currently feeling well. I wanted to ignore, but my inner self told me not to. It’s not easy living with bunch of ignorant. Believe me.

I hope that mom will not be too sad. Actually mom has an operation coming up next week. But what if things with grandpa turn out ugly? Why has everything need to happen at the same time? And why do i not have someone i can lean my head on?

Maybe i should call tomorrow, before anyone from home calls me.

“Have u ever tried to find the words but they don’t come out right? Have u ever, have u ever?”