today, i broke up with some one i love. it was me who decided
to break the lines, because i can take it no more. i hate the
ignorance, i hate the girls around him. the sad thing is, he
didn’t object this. he replied with small text messages, forwarded
text messages to tie back the lines. but i felt that its not
sincere enough. i usually have a lot to say when this happens.
but this time around, i was dumbfounded by my own action.
will i regret doing this? i doubted that. but i know, without
me, he’ll be as happy as before. my existence or absence
don’t really mean much to him.

dear camel,

i have to let go, let it all off. just accept it that i want to
let go, even though deep in me, i didn’t ever want to. maybe
with this, u can be more free to fly to wherever u want to
without having to care about me anymore. i think its better
for us to be apart from each other. i hope u’ll be happy
with all the things u have now.

take care.

Hey folks. Gosh, it has been weeks since i last wrote a blog post! Yea, i have been busy since the last few weeks ago. Busy with assignments, works here and there, coming exams and stuffs. I was so stuck up with so many things to do, and sometimes so tired with peoples’ behavior. Gosh! The International Language was finally over, and thanks to God, the event was quite a success. It has been a superbly busy week last week, and i think it will be the same next week. God, i just need some time off! Imagine this, last minute decisions of those wonderful lecturers to take the exams end of November? It really drives me mad! For once they said they want us to take the exams next year, so we will score better and have some rest this year, but suddenly they changed their plan.  They told us when we have 1 month more left to prepare for this frightening exam! How fickle! Gosh.

Then i was so tired of this music teacher bragging me to perform when i said i don’t want to. He’s so forcing and he thought he’s the most talented musician in this college. He kept forcing me to perform when i said no for a few times. And he was talking to me about time management when he doesn’t even know how tight my schedule is. Yea, playing piano is my hobby, but hobbies are for free times. When i am busy, eventually i will have lots of things to do so i won’t find some other things we called ‘hobbies’ to spend the day with. In the nutshell, i don’t understand why there’s this kind of people. I really can’t figure it out.

So, my days were not so good, and my mood sucks.

And lately, I’ve been thinking a lot. Really a lot. Thinking about past experiences that made myself into a better person? Perhaps. La question qu’on se demande ici, si un garcon n’aime pas une fille, pourquoi alors devoir-t-il agir comme il l’aime? The question is, if a guy does not like a girl, why then should he act like he likes that girl? Et pourquoi veut-il mentir a cette fille? Pense-t-il que la fille peut-etre blessee au coeur? And why would he want to lie to that girl? Didn’t he think that it will hurt her heart? … That is what life is. U thought u fell in love, but u are actually not. Tant pis. I was so down when this happened to me, but when i think about it again, it worth nothing to be sad or feel being lied and stuff. This is so part of life. Yea, that guy should be blamed for his actions, but maybe he’s just plain stupid to treat people like that? And maybe i’m quite dumb also to believe in what he said, so naive. So now i’m happy to be how i am, living without having to think about caring the feelings of the opposite side we called our partner. Because i don’t have one. Ahha! Pourtant, experiences are worth to be learned!

Yea, i didn’t go to Midvalley for two weeks already! That was a miracle. Haha! Yea, usually, i went there with Pearlie, but lately she seems to be so busy (actually i felt like she’s trying to run away from me for don’t know what reason) Durh~ Maybe she’s mad at me for not being supportive especially during the Midautumn fest. She said she didn’t want to take part in doing anything, but that does not mean i have to follow her what. I was quite geram also because i didn’t know a thing about all the meetings and stuffs, and it was Grace who told me all about it. I was really looking forward for the fest, but that made me disappointed. And the shock is that Pearlie went to one of the meeting without calling me and yet, she told me that she will not attend to any. Then there came some people who said i was trying to be missing in action, when the truth was i didn’t freaking know about all that! Argh.. Geram sial. Whatever la. The fest was held and it was quite fun also taking pictures and stuffs. And it was great, helping Adelynn around.

These are how my life sucks till now. And i am still figuring how to make myself happy and not bothering all the stupid things that will happen in the next few days.

I feel like stopping. I feel like taking it away. I feel stressed. I wanna give up.

I am tired of treating people who actually took me for granted. They might not know that i actually cares when they use me, and they might not know that i am trying to get rid of them. But whenever i try to, they will always bump to me and say all the sweet stuffs. I want them to go away, but at the same time, i want them to stay. Stupid me right? I really hope that they will try to understand how i felt being treated like, and i just hope that one day, they will sit beside me and let me scold their head off. Gosh. If u read this, just so u know, if u never want to end this, one day i might get your face off my mind and make as if like i have not known u, and let see how u can help yourself with all your stupid problems. U can choose to stop all that and i can pretend that all never happens. When u make up your mind, call me up and we’ll chat like a friend.

That’s all for now, i need to sleep. Goodbye!!

Tension sial, living in a place with all the craps you have to cope with. I really have to find something to make my life meaningful and happy in that place called IPBA. I love my studies. I want to continue loving it, but somehow, there are something that distract me from continuing what i love to do. I hate to be the one pointed as a bad example, even though i might look like i don’t really care. But its certainly a shame that people actually look at you from the appearance, not judging you for what you really are. And before knowing and noticing someone dengan lebih mendalam, you don’t go accusing that someone when you don’t even know who she really is. Guess what, i am that someone being accused. It definitely hurts, ok? Like Kip said “this sucks balls u know?”. (Thanks Kip)

Getting stuck in this so called kebabian-situation, i really think that i need some time to ignore all this kebabian and just move on with my life. Why? Well what is the use of mourning over all this problems we had, when some people don’t even want to care about your feelings? Wounds on your body; the pain goes away slowly but the scars remain. Wounds in your heart; the pains remain but there is no scar. So now, i am “si blessée, si stressée”. I didn’t choose to feel sad, but things that happened everyday are the source of my sorrow. ~~“Don’t be satisfied with high marks”, “Work in groups! Share your knowledge! Don’t bodoh sombong!!”~~ These are the phrases that keep haunting me everyday. Ada lagi : (when she asked the class a question, nobody would answer, and suddenly a weirdo answered it) ~~That is why your marks are low, you let other people voice out”~~ Heellllllooooooo????????? My marks are better than weirdo’s lah. Whats the use of studying to get high marks laaaaa kalau orang just know how to condemn you! Arghhhhhhhh…

Yesterday morning ’she’ gave us back our essay papers, (essay on corruptions in France) and ’she’ said ’she’ was not satisfied because we did not do proper research on that essay. ‘She’ demanded for some reports or citations from any organisation. Guess what, in my paper, i did write some citations and reports from SOFRES (Société française d’études par sondages) but ’she’ said “None of you have write what i wanted,” … So bayangkan how terasa i was yesterday. Why? Did ’she’ read my essay or not? Am i invisible to her?

And that weirdo also nak kena, keep doing weird things. I didn’t call him weirdo for nothing ok. Imagine someone sitting beside you, keep looking at you when you are doing things, and keep kissing the table, put on heavy perfume, blablabla. Tak nak la kutuk dia lebih lebih pula, i just ‘beh tahan’ with him, want him to ‘chau nia’. Chau from my table also good already.

These are the only problem that i wish i can solve because one of it really kacau me. The only solution is just go straight at ‘her’ face and say whatever so ’she’ won’t talk all that again, but ’she’s’ my teacher. I have to respect ‘her’. Gr. Now i regret for being a spoilt child when i was 17 and below. Hardly listen to mom. Study stupidly.

Chey chey and Ryan had been very sad lately because of Baby in Chey’s stomach. Ryan’s blog. I also cried when i read Ryan’s blog. I’m so sorry for what happened to Chey, Ah San Ko, Ryan n Baby. But, we can do nothing. Its all God’s will.

Haihz. I shall endure and endure until the day i leave Malaysia for France (i don’t want to leave my family!) And i hope ’she’ will stop all that and give me some free spaces before i do anything stupid.

This week was not a really good one for me, and i guess it was not a good one for others too. Being back to college after one week of holidays really drive me mad because i usually slept early and woke up late. But now, it turned out to be the either way. Sleep late and wake up early! =.=” … Well, after few days then, the routine came back to normal and without realizing, time passed so fast and now I’m already at my sister’s place. Weehee~

I cut my hair. And i am regretting a bit for cutting my hair. To be more specific, the fringe. The first day, it was awesome. The second day, it was all scrubby, and the third day, it was weird. Today, it got crazy like broom, and i don’t know what’s next. Gosh. Should i regret? For once, yes. But i am really going to do something to repair it. I will and i really mean it! Gosh, I got all emotional because of my hair. Grr.

The first day, Tuesday ..

(I really don’t understand why my face is always red whenever i took photo with my own camera..)

The second day, Wednesday ..

(Look at it, i ressemble a bowl..)

THE THIRD ONE HAS BEEN DELETED BECAUSE OF THE UGLYNESS

The third day, Thursday ..

(I look spastically red.. like tomato!)

Gosh, how am i going to fix my hair? Having a chubby face like mine does not allow me to groom myself like a barbie doll, because, yea, chubby face, so however you fix the hair, you would definitely look chubby. *am shouting.. mhhmm, am shouting* Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mon dieu.. help me.

Guess i should just go to the salon and ask their opinion on my hair. But they’ll definitely cut my throat, not my hair. (thats a metaphore for some sales people who would ask their customers to pay for the most expensive service.. =p) Haihz. I’m gone crazy again.

This week is all about my hair, nothing more. OMG.

Hi folks. Has been quite a long time since i write, guess what, my laptop is not fixed yet, still have to install and download some things to make it complete like before. During these days without my laptop, i devoted my 24 hours to sleeping and things other than surfing internet. In the end, i caught some allergies for one week and a minor fever! Haha. Ironic.

Well, i am starting to think over bout my life, about things i missed before. Guess I’m quite happy with my life now, first and foremost is that i have a super happy family, i have wonderful parents, sisters, brothers and a very cute nephew who makes me happy all the time, then i have everything i want, even my profession is fixed, i don’t have any financial problems, i have the chance to pursue studies in an European country, i have friends who stand by me (as far as i know), its like, there is nothing for me to worry about. Everything is like, fixed. Nevertheless, i still feel that something is still missing. I feel, lonely.

Be given as an example, most of the time, when i am at the hostel, in my room, i spend most of my time studying, sleeping, watching dvds, surfing the net and do whatever i can; alone. Where as my friends, they lunch together, they dine together, the study together, they watch dvds together, its like they do everything together. And me, I’d always stay alone, which i think i prefer to, as i don’t really adore being in a super havoc situation. I’m not racist, mind you, and I’m not choosy. I’m just a typical type of human being who actually demands for something which i love, to do something that i know i like to do. And my course mates, they are not my type of people. We are friends, but we don’t cling to each other. But they are nice, a group of super nice people that everyone would like to get near with. I tried a few times to be with them, and as i try and try, i would say that it doesn’t work. We just don’t get along that well, we don’t really have the connection to each other. We are friends, coursemate and classmate. But, sorry to say, we can’t seem to mix, as in mix like we’re good friends who can count on each other to live on. I miss my previous life, where i hang out with my old friends. I miss the precious time with the one i used to be so close to.

However, being in a new environment is not that bad after all. Especially when i come to live in a ’so civilized’ town like KL. Being in this new place, i learned a lot, and the most important thing is that i gained so much experience.  It is obviously different from Penang, which i spent 17 years living under my beloved family’s supervision, everything was done by them, even from breakfast to supper was prepared by them. But here, i find myself so eerily pathetic, whereby i still can’t manage my things properly. Given time for dinner, but i would still be doing something else like sleeping, bathing, surfing the net, and whatever else. What is happening to me..

And these days, i had been freaking sensitive. Take some examples in the class. I am not a hardworking student, but i believe in ‘paying more attention in class is better than keeping up ourself so late at night to study’. And i really hold tight to it because being a linguistic student, it is very boring to study the same thing every time. Plus, i do my assignments during night time and if i continue to study during that hours, i will surely be tired and exhausted. I am not lazy. Don’t say that i can use my time after classes to study. I usually go out for swimming and basketball during the evening so do not complain that i waste my time doing nothing. En plus, the time is mine, not yours!

Ok lets just get back to the point. Lately i got the results for my previous test, and i passed the test. And i passed with 75,5 marks, which i myself is contented with what i get. Just say what ever you want to say, yes, it is not a high note but at least it is more than what i targeted. I might not be the top scorer like the previous tests, but that doesn’t mean that i didn’t progress. Guess what, i did progress ok? And i got 24/25 for 1 of the paper which is the writing paper, and i didn’t expect that. … Why am i that pissed? Because, my tutor, Miss Teh, she said something that really hurt me much. “Don’t be satisfied with high marks”, “Work in groups! Share your knowledge! Don’t bodoh sombong!!”

Why are you keeping pointing at me? Look at my results, i did well, and my marks are progressing. They are not going down. But what is the reason of me always being the one pointed, the one taken as a bad example? She might not say words straight towards me, but she did something indirectly, that i can understand that she was trying to mention me in her speeches. Yes i admit that i played a lot, but look at my marks! I didn’t score 50 or 60. My marks are all above 70! And being in a language course for almost a year only, it isn’t easy to keep it up. It isn’t easy to face the lecturer’s critics and to give a neutral visage for it.

Ok, stop about that lecturer’s thingy. Now that i am more concern in getting myself more connected to the world. Its dreadful to know that people actually judges you from your appearance, not your competences. So shall i dress up like a doll so that you people will think that I’m nice, or shall i dress like Beyonce so that you guys will say I’m cool? Oh junks.

I’m missing some one right now. Again. But this person is a friend of mine, used to be close at times. Our relationship is like a season, for once, we can be so close, and the week after all i listen from that special person is silence. I don’t understand. It is so, not consistent?

Whatever it takes, i will still try to discover my life here in this so call urban ville.

With the help of the people here too, i guess..

Well, i went to church the other day to watch a skit. Its about a son (ah Kiang) wanting to become a cook, whereas his father (Mr Khoo) wished that he could become someone more educated like an acountant. Mr Khoo sells Hokkien Mee, and his wife (ah Lian) helps him with the works at the stall. Then there are these groups of neighbour, and also ah Kiang’s friend, (Sue) which i can say a very cute girl (who looks a bit like Pame). Being the only son in the family, it is for sure that the father will want his son to be a successful person, and not just any hawker selling Hokkien Mee at the Tai Pai Tong there. En revanche, the son wanted so much to be a cook, that he disobeyed his father and went to London to pursue his studies in culinary. (He should as well go to France to learn how to make fondue and couscous! =p) Few years later, he came back to Malaysia, bringing his own Hokkien Mee pati or something like that, and that made his father so proud of him. Hurm. I was so interested bout this skit because there were some conversations in Hokkien, and its kinda hard to find it here in PJ. And yea, not to forget the Hokkien Kua in the skit, which i listened Daddy and Momy singing it when i was so small! Haaha. Miss those time..

DELF B1
I am so worried for the results. Superbly freaking out that i couldn’t sleep last night, and i am very sure i won’t be sleeping tonight either. The results were out, and we will go and take the certificates tomorrow at Alliance Francaise. I heard from lecturers that in out Cohort, one person failed. Will it be me? I hope not. I’m not being snobbish, over confident or whatever u guys call a person when she/he is confident she will not fail her exam. But i know i won’t. Because i had been studying like hell, and i know i did the exam well. Grr. But what if i’m the one who failed?

Arghhhhh~

Momy Dady, i miss u. Chey miss u too. Ryan, eeyo miss u.. Erjie, can’t go back Subang this weekend, got class on Saturday! =(.. Sanjie, ur birthday present is still with me!

Stress. Encore et toujours.

Il n y a presque rien a faire tous les soirs! Ce que je fasse, c’est dormir, et faire les recherches inutile sur l’internet. Néanmoins, la connexion d’internet dans l’appartement ne marche pas bien! Ça me fait vraiment très stressée! Figure-toi, quand on a pleins de devoirs a faire, c’est le temps que mon ordinateur devient le plus faible. Et c’est évident que je devrais aller a la bibliothèque pour chercher les infos sur l’ordinateur la, et ouvert les livres pour lire certains choses importants! La bibliothèque, il fait vraiment froid, et c’est toujours possible et très confortable si on dort la bas! Hahaha.

Mais moi, je préfère de rester dans l’appartement parce qu’il y a tous ce que je doit, sauf l’internet. “doit-elle souscrire le broadband alors?” C’est vraiment très cher, mais, je ne pourrais rien faire, sauf d’attendre la connexion d’améliorer, et quelquefois, utiliser l’ordinateur d’amis pour faire les choses. Ahhh, c’est vraiment tres membencikan! Je ne supporte pas d’être une parasite, utiliser toujours les choses qui ne sont pas les miens! =( … Une personne comme moi qui aime passer le temps avant l’ordinateur. Stressée~

Je me sens très seule maintenant. Il me manque toujours. Même si on n’a aucune relation entre nous, je lui pense toujours. Ouais, je suis vraiment stupide, je sais. Mais, l’amour est aveugle! Tout le monde le sait!

***

Warning to all, don’t use altavista or any translation tool to translate what i have written here. It will end up like this :

Translated from http://babelfish.yahoo.com/translate_txt

There N is almost nothing has to make every evening! What I do, it is to sleep, and make research useless on the Internet. Nevertheless, the connection of Internet in the apartment does not go well! That really makes me very stressed! Appear yourself, when one has full with duties has to make, it is time that my computer becomes weakest. And it is obvious that I should go to the library to seek the infos on the computer, and open books for reading certain things important! The library, it makes really cold, and it is always possible and very comfortable if one sleeps it low! Hahaha. But me, I prefer to remain in the apartment because there are all what I owe, except the Internet. “does it have to subscribe the broadband then?” It is really very expensive, but, I could not nothing make, except awaiting connection to improve, and sometimes, to use the computer of friends to make the things. Ahhh, it is really very serious! I do not support to be a parasite, to always use the things which are not mine! = (… a person as me which likes to spend time before the computer. Stressée~ I very only feel now. I always miss it. Even if one has no relation between us, I always think to him. Ouais, I am really stupid, I know. But, the love is blind! Everyone knows it!

Hahaha! Oh my God! Makes me feel like i’m a english-dunno girl when i translate those texts though! =.=” What is wrong with babelfish. Funny. I’m rolling on the floor! Hahahahahahhaha~~~~

I’m sure u guys will get the idea of this post, when u read the translation. Haha. It’s not wrong, it is just that the babelfish translate one word by one. So it makes it weird. =P

Wah.. I went to UM just now. Eh no, i walked to UM. Was planning to go swimming actually. But then when we reached there, the pool is close until next week because of some technical problem. Shhss.. Restless.

Got somebody kutuk my blog eh? He/she said that my blog stories too many things that happen daily, not things that are good to be read and sourceful. *Blegh =P to u*.. Didn’t scold him/her back also. Because i don’t want to bother bout what he/she talk also. Biaq pi la! Hahah.

Why am i so passive leh these days? Tired? Lazy? Heartbroken? … I also don’t know. I don’t go hang out like i used to anymore. And i don’t crave for McD like i always do before this. Why leh? ~Changements du gouts?~ (taste changing?) Maybe also.

After walking back to college, we stopped at scud there for a while to tapau milo ice. Then, i saw someone. I wasn’t sure that was him at first. But i didn’t want to look again as i don’t dare to. Don’t dare?? Yea, because if i do, i will get stuck by looking at his face then i will think of him over and over again.

Why that happen leh? Its not like the first time also this happen to me. Hurm, but its the first time la experiencing things as terrible as this. =( Why couldn’t i just let go leh? Just ignore la, make dunno, buat bodoh je, forget bout him la, relax2 can ady… That is what i keep saying to myself. But in the end, i cannot do it also.

Maybe i need him to act first leh? Say hi first, or smile at me, i will surely reply what. Or maybe i need to say hi to him first. Only he will react ma. But what if he ignores me? Won’t that hurts me more? How am i suppose to know woh. He didn’t say anything also, how to expect me to understand what he wants la. Maybe he don’t bother also if i say hi or smile or what, so i just make dunno la! Its not like i intended to make dunno or ignore him also what.

I think i need time. I really2 need time to console myself and don’t think about that again. Happy or sad, it is just a part of life what. Come what may. *Sobbsobb*

Here goes my rantings and crapping. I don’t want to label myself stupid, or anything negative because, i don’t want others to think that i have low self esteem. But, sometimes, i just, do feel like that.

Few days ago, i did something, without thinking deep about the consequences. Things that no body will want to be proud of doing, and things that some people might not do it maybe because of them not being brave enough. But that doesn’t mean that what i did was not right. Wrong, in the sense of rules and regulations. Curious, and naive, i was. And the consequences, were from what i did and what i brought myself into. What i wanted and what i got, contributed to the tears i have shed. No, it was not your fault, and i will never blame you. I am sorry to tag you along in this trouble somehow, but i am certain you do feel something for what you have done anyway. Impoverished experience, i never expected that it can mean more than just what i thought. You are right in certain subject, but sorry to say, from my perspective, you are absolutely wrong in some ways. Anyhow, i will not blame you.

Nonetheless, i cannot pretend that nothing has happen, neither can i let go of it. I am known for my sensitive side, and i can never forget things easily. Up till this moment, i still browse your page and your photos even though i feel the blues and melancholies when i saw them. I still can feel the glumness, but i hope its not for long.

Now that i knew, i will be cautious. Extra conservative. Thanks to you, i finally realize how foolish i was, yet, at the same time, i gained something important.

Experience is worthy, anyhow.

And they are worth to be learned.