Yesterday evening, i went to a hairdresser to get a treatment for my hair because i straightened my hair few months ago, so i needed frequent treatment. So i decided to go to Amcorp instead of Subang SS15, to get my treatment and i little bit trim. So, i went there, and talked with the hairdresser, (she’s an auntie) and i told her, i want to get a treatment because i straightened my hair, n i told her i want a cut, a very little cut because i still want to keep my hair length. She asked me to sit, and we discussed the price, as she said that students can get special rates, and all the bullshits. (in the end, i was charged like 195 bucks. what the fuck right?) And then, after she counted all the shits, she told me, in english, with a very strong chinese slang.

the auntie : “”"after i count for u ah, the price, for the treatment ah, is 75. but, i give u special ah, because u student mah, i give u 65 ony. then, after treatment, i cutting hair for u ah and wash also for u, total is becoming 75 ah. special rate also lah because u student mah.”"”

me : “”"ok, so treatment plus cut is 75 right?”"”

the auntie : “”"ah yes, treatment 65, then cutting ah, and i washing for u ah, 75 lor become.. so very cheap ah, u don’t worry ah, i won’t cut u wan..”"”

me : “”"ok, but i just want a little cut, not more than 2 inches, just a little bit. And a little bit layered on my fringe.”"”

the auntie : “”"ok ok, u don’t worry, i do nice wan for u ah. but i cutting for u ah, because when i cutting for u, then can saving the treatment wan cream ah, so no need to wasting the cream ah.”"”

me : “”"ok.”"”

Then she started cutting. She pinned my hair up, and start cutting, but it was weird, because she really cut my hair as if i wanted layered. She kept on cutting and cutting until my hair became very very very thin. (My mother will get very very very shock.) I didn’t say a thing, i couldn’t even say something because she kept talking non stop. Blegh! I was quite shocked, its like she cut 3/4 of my hair! Oh gosh. But my friend said it looked nice, so i just kept quiet. Ah!! (Tu cause tu cause, c’est tous ce que tu sais faire!!!!)

It was still okay because the hair didn’t look that spoilt, its still nice, but i just can’t accept it because i didn’t wanted a heavy cut. Worst still, suddenly the auntie said she wants to put some serum and shit on my head because she said my scalp is unhealthy. Then she just hantam, and put the stupid serum on my head and charged me 55 bucks! Babiii!!!!!!! I was like, baaaabiiiiii!!! What theeeee!!!!

(to be continued….)

I keep thinking about my family. Dad will bring us out to search for food when it is breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner or supper time. Mom will cook us so many delicious food when its weekend. We’ll go over to Chey’s place whenever we feel like going because her house is super big. (and there they have lots of snacks too) Erjie, Kor, San Chey and me will go out shopping because that’s what we always do during the weekends.

Here, when i ask someone out, they will always say ok but in the end they didn’t turn up. With dad, we can go as far as we can even though he is tired.

Here, its hard to date people for dinner on time (after Adam and the gang went overseas) because they just don’t bother about other people. With mom, we can always have food whenever we are hungry

Here, sometimes i just feel unsecured because there are alot of weird people around me. At home, i won’t feel that way because i have mom and dad to protect me.

I miss my family…

1. I am worried. I realized that i am not progressing in my studies. I rarely study after classes, i start doing my homeworks and assignments only at night, and i don’t speak much in classes anymore. I feel ashamed.

2. I deleted my Friendster account. I tried numerous time sending message to my friends to acknowledge that i want to delete my account and i want them to email me their messenger id but the web page kept making error. I was mad, so i deleted without any hesitation.

3. Weirdo is a disaster. He won’t stop doing his weird stuff and i really can’t stand sitting beside him anymore. What’s the benefit for humming while the lecturer is in the class, yawning while kissing the table, and more weird stuffs. Come on, stop all that already! Hate it or not, you are the jerkiest among all jerks and i won’t talk to you even if you start a conversation! (I did that already actually)

4. I have a fever and a sore throat, and my voice is slowly fading away. *Catch it back!*

5. I don’t like literature because it is difficult and i have not yet see the benefit of reading literature books without understanding it properly. Besides, we still have not pass our B2 exam yet so why rush on preparing for C1?

6. It really get on my nerves when my message to somebody is not replied. Please understand that everybody has their limited credit to make calls and i am so sure that it isn’t that hard to reply only 1 message or to borrow 1 message from a friend.

7. Hypocrites are all around me but i can’t hate them anymore. All these people are the parts and parcels of my life in college so like it or not, i have to be strong and ignore my feelings.

Imagine, one self can have so many complaints that she/he can ever think of. But in this case, i am not demanding for anything. I just want to let things out because i don’t like sharing my complaints with anybody. In fact, nobody likes to hear them anyways! I know i don’t. This month sure will be quite a bad month for me but i won’t let it last long. I will try my best to build up my confidence and i won’t let other people step on me anymore. I will wave goodbye to those who ignored me, and i will welcome new winds that will share alot of things with me.

I am now hoping for a new and a better day..

I often thought about all the happiness that i want when i grow up. However, past experiences kept bugging me until at one instance, i want to give up. I do wrongs since i was small, up till today, non-stop. I knew and i always felt guilty, but what can i do. An apologize does not mean a big thing, i knew that, but that is all i can do. Who can i blame for all my immature attitudes, and who am i to blame when all of that were done by me myself.

Now that i am getting older, i know i can make my own decisions, i know some of the ‘whats’ i did and i want to do is right. But in some other hearts and eyes, i am always young, naive, and my doings must be traced so that they can assure that i don’t do mistakes. Other hearts understand me, but they have yet to understand me from top to bottom. Some eyes don’t see how good i do, but they always comment and judge me.

Being away for so many years, i know it is logical when they treat me that way. Ways of showing affection are different from one and another. I am always left beside, and i had always shed my tears because i don’t like to be left aside. But however, i pretend as if i am not sad, i am ok with it, and when other people ask, i said its okay if they leave me. The truth is, i am not okay. I want to let everyone know that i am not okay, but it is just hard to let everything out. Even to the person i share the same blood with, it is hard to tell and let all out because i know they wouldn’t understand. The more i share, the more that i’ll be blamed.

8 months to go, then i’ll be somewhere far, farther than i can be. Of course i feel happy that i can further my studies in somewhere over the coast, and of course there is sadness that lies between. I wish i don’t need to go, but at the same time, i am happy for the opportunity. And this time, i will be away for 3 years, which is not a short time, and probably will not be back for a subsequent 3 years. The idea of leaving will always be a glum one for me, but i hope when i get back, things will change.

“Where’s the promised happiness?
I understand
Let’s not talk about it
Love has faded
The dream has become distant
I count each and every happy and unhappy thing
Once more you’re reluctant to let go
Those feelings of having loved are too deep
I still remember them…”

(Where’s the promised happiness, Capricorn, Jay Chou, 2008.)

today, i broke up with some one i love. it was me who decided
to break the lines, because i can take it no more. i hate the
ignorance, i hate the girls around him. the sad thing is, he
didn’t object this. he replied with small text messages, forwarded
text messages to tie back the lines. but i felt that its not
sincere enough. i usually have a lot to say when this happens.
but this time around, i was dumbfounded by my own action.
will i regret doing this? i doubted that. but i know, without
me, he’ll be as happy as before. my existence or absence
don’t really mean much to him.

dear camel,

i have to let go, let it all off. just accept it that i want to
let go, even though deep in me, i didn’t ever want to. maybe
with this, u can be more free to fly to wherever u want to
without having to care about me anymore. i think its better
for us to be apart from each other. i hope u’ll be happy
with all the things u have now.

take care.

Hey folks. Gosh, it has been weeks since i last wrote a blog post! Yea, i have been busy since the last few weeks ago. Busy with assignments, works here and there, coming exams and stuffs. I was so stuck up with so many things to do, and sometimes so tired with peoples’ behavior. Gosh! The International Language was finally over, and thanks to God, the event was quite a success. It has been a superbly busy week last week, and i think it will be the same next week. God, i just need some time off! Imagine this, last minute decisions of those wonderful lecturers to take the exams end of November? It really drives me mad! For once they said they want us to take the exams next year, so we will score better and have some rest this year, but suddenly they changed their plan.  They told us when we have 1 month more left to prepare for this frightening exam! How fickle! Gosh.

Then i was so tired of this music teacher bragging me to perform when i said i don’t want to. He’s so forcing and he thought he’s the most talented musician in this college. He kept forcing me to perform when i said no for a few times. And he was talking to me about time management when he doesn’t even know how tight my schedule is. Yea, playing piano is my hobby, but hobbies are for free times. When i am busy, eventually i will have lots of things to do so i won’t find some other things we called ‘hobbies’ to spend the day with. In the nutshell, i don’t understand why there’s this kind of people. I really can’t figure it out.

So, my days were not so good, and my mood sucks.

And lately, I’ve been thinking a lot. Really a lot. Thinking about past experiences that made myself into a better person? Perhaps. La question qu’on se demande ici, si un garcon n’aime pas une fille, pourquoi alors devoir-t-il agir comme il l’aime? The question is, if a guy does not like a girl, why then should he act like he likes that girl? Et pourquoi veut-il mentir a cette fille? Pense-t-il que la fille peut-etre blessee au coeur? And why would he want to lie to that girl? Didn’t he think that it will hurt her heart? … That is what life is. U thought u fell in love, but u are actually not. Tant pis. I was so down when this happened to me, but when i think about it again, it worth nothing to be sad or feel being lied and stuff. This is so part of life. Yea, that guy should be blamed for his actions, but maybe he’s just plain stupid to treat people like that? And maybe i’m quite dumb also to believe in what he said, so naive. So now i’m happy to be how i am, living without having to think about caring the feelings of the opposite side we called our partner. Because i don’t have one. Ahha! Pourtant, experiences are worth to be learned!

Yea, i didn’t go to Midvalley for two weeks already! That was a miracle. Haha! Yea, usually, i went there with Pearlie, but lately she seems to be so busy (actually i felt like she’s trying to run away from me for don’t know what reason) Durh~ Maybe she’s mad at me for not being supportive especially during the Midautumn fest. She said she didn’t want to take part in doing anything, but that does not mean i have to follow her what. I was quite geram also because i didn’t know a thing about all the meetings and stuffs, and it was Grace who told me all about it. I was really looking forward for the fest, but that made me disappointed. And the shock is that Pearlie went to one of the meeting without calling me and yet, she told me that she will not attend to any. Then there came some people who said i was trying to be missing in action, when the truth was i didn’t freaking know about all that! Argh.. Geram sial. Whatever la. The fest was held and it was quite fun also taking pictures and stuffs. And it was great, helping Adelynn around.

These are how my life sucks till now. And i am still figuring how to make myself happy and not bothering all the stupid things that will happen in the next few days.

I feel like stopping. I feel like taking it away. I feel stressed. I wanna give up.

I am tired of treating people who actually took me for granted. They might not know that i actually cares when they use me, and they might not know that i am trying to get rid of them. But whenever i try to, they will always bump to me and say all the sweet stuffs. I want them to go away, but at the same time, i want them to stay. Stupid me right? I really hope that they will try to understand how i felt being treated like, and i just hope that one day, they will sit beside me and let me scold their head off. Gosh. If u read this, just so u know, if u never want to end this, one day i might get your face off my mind and make as if like i have not known u, and let see how u can help yourself with all your stupid problems. U can choose to stop all that and i can pretend that all never happens. When u make up your mind, call me up and we’ll chat like a friend.

That’s all for now, i need to sleep. Goodbye!!

Tension sial, living in a place with all the craps you have to cope with. I really have to find something to make my life meaningful and happy in that place called IPBA. I love my studies. I want to continue loving it, but somehow, there are something that distract me from continuing what i love to do. I hate to be the one pointed as a bad example, even though i might look like i don’t really care. But its certainly a shame that people actually look at you from the appearance, not judging you for what you really are. And before knowing and noticing someone dengan lebih mendalam, you don’t go accusing that someone when you don’t even know who she really is. Guess what, i am that someone being accused. It definitely hurts, ok? Like Kip said “this sucks balls u know?”. (Thanks Kip)

Getting stuck in this so called kebabian-situation, i really think that i need some time to ignore all this kebabian and just move on with my life. Why? Well what is the use of mourning over all this problems we had, when some people don’t even want to care about your feelings? Wounds on your body; the pain goes away slowly but the scars remain. Wounds in your heart; the pains remain but there is no scar. So now, i am “si blessée, si stressée”. I didn’t choose to feel sad, but things that happened everyday are the source of my sorrow. ~~“Don’t be satisfied with high marks”, “Work in groups! Share your knowledge! Don’t bodoh sombong!!”~~ These are the phrases that keep haunting me everyday. Ada lagi : (when she asked the class a question, nobody would answer, and suddenly a weirdo answered it) ~~That is why your marks are low, you let other people voice out”~~ Heellllllooooooo????????? My marks are better than weirdo’s lah. Whats the use of studying to get high marks laaaaa kalau orang just know how to condemn you! Arghhhhhhhh…

Yesterday morning ’she’ gave us back our essay papers, (essay on corruptions in France) and ’she’ said ’she’ was not satisfied because we did not do proper research on that essay. ‘She’ demanded for some reports or citations from any organisation. Guess what, in my paper, i did write some citations and reports from SOFRES (Société française d’études par sondages) but ’she’ said “None of you have write what i wanted,” … So bayangkan how terasa i was yesterday. Why? Did ’she’ read my essay or not? Am i invisible to her?

And that weirdo also nak kena, keep doing weird things. I didn’t call him weirdo for nothing ok. Imagine someone sitting beside you, keep looking at you when you are doing things, and keep kissing the table, put on heavy perfume, blablabla. Tak nak la kutuk dia lebih lebih pula, i just ‘beh tahan’ with him, want him to ‘chau nia’. Chau from my table also good already.

These are the only problem that i wish i can solve because one of it really kacau me. The only solution is just go straight at ‘her’ face and say whatever so ’she’ won’t talk all that again, but ’she’s’ my teacher. I have to respect ‘her’. Gr. Now i regret for being a spoilt child when i was 17 and below. Hardly listen to mom. Study stupidly.

Chey chey and Ryan had been very sad lately because of Baby in Chey’s stomach. Ryan’s blog. I also cried when i read Ryan’s blog. I’m so sorry for what happened to Chey, Ah San Ko, Ryan n Baby. But, we can do nothing. Its all God’s will.

Haihz. I shall endure and endure until the day i leave Malaysia for France (i don’t want to leave my family!) And i hope ’she’ will stop all that and give me some free spaces before i do anything stupid.

This week was not a really good one for me, and i guess it was not a good one for others too. Being back to college after one week of holidays really drive me mad because i usually slept early and woke up late. But now, it turned out to be the either way. Sleep late and wake up early! =.=” … Well, after few days then, the routine came back to normal and without realizing, time passed so fast and now I’m already at my sister’s place. Weehee~

I cut my hair. And i am regretting a bit for cutting my hair. To be more specific, the fringe. The first day, it was awesome. The second day, it was all scrubby, and the third day, it was weird. Today, it got crazy like broom, and i don’t know what’s next. Gosh. Should i regret? For once, yes. But i am really going to do something to repair it. I will and i really mean it! Gosh, I got all emotional because of my hair. Grr.

The first day, Tuesday ..

(I really don’t understand why my face is always red whenever i took photo with my own camera..)

The second day, Wednesday ..

(Look at it, i ressemble a bowl..)

THE THIRD ONE HAS BEEN DELETED BECAUSE OF THE UGLYNESS

The third day, Thursday ..

(I look spastically red.. like tomato!)

Gosh, how am i going to fix my hair? Having a chubby face like mine does not allow me to groom myself like a barbie doll, because, yea, chubby face, so however you fix the hair, you would definitely look chubby. *am shouting.. mhhmm, am shouting* Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mon dieu.. help me.

Guess i should just go to the salon and ask their opinion on my hair. But they’ll definitely cut my throat, not my hair. (thats a metaphore for some sales people who would ask their customers to pay for the most expensive service.. =p) Haihz. I’m gone crazy again.

This week is all about my hair, nothing more. OMG.

Hi folks. Has been quite a long time since i write, guess what, my laptop is not fixed yet, still have to install and download some things to make it complete like before. During these days without my laptop, i devoted my 24 hours to sleeping and things other than surfing internet. In the end, i caught some allergies for one week and a minor fever! Haha. Ironic.

Well, i am starting to think over bout my life, about things i missed before. Guess I’m quite happy with my life now, first and foremost is that i have a super happy family, i have wonderful parents, sisters, brothers and a very cute nephew who makes me happy all the time, then i have everything i want, even my profession is fixed, i don’t have any financial problems, i have the chance to pursue studies in an European country, i have friends who stand by me (as far as i know), its like, there is nothing for me to worry about. Everything is like, fixed. Nevertheless, i still feel that something is still missing. I feel, lonely.

Be given as an example, most of the time, when i am at the hostel, in my room, i spend most of my time studying, sleeping, watching dvds, surfing the net and do whatever i can; alone. Where as my friends, they lunch together, they dine together, the study together, they watch dvds together, its like they do everything together. And me, I’d always stay alone, which i think i prefer to, as i don’t really adore being in a super havoc situation. I’m not racist, mind you, and I’m not choosy. I’m just a typical type of human being who actually demands for something which i love, to do something that i know i like to do. And my course mates, they are not my type of people. We are friends, but we don’t cling to each other. But they are nice, a group of super nice people that everyone would like to get near with. I tried a few times to be with them, and as i try and try, i would say that it doesn’t work. We just don’t get along that well, we don’t really have the connection to each other. We are friends, coursemate and classmate. But, sorry to say, we can’t seem to mix, as in mix like we’re good friends who can count on each other to live on. I miss my previous life, where i hang out with my old friends. I miss the precious time with the one i used to be so close to.

However, being in a new environment is not that bad after all. Especially when i come to live in a ’so civilized’ town like KL. Being in this new place, i learned a lot, and the most important thing is that i gained so much experience.  It is obviously different from Penang, which i spent 17 years living under my beloved family’s supervision, everything was done by them, even from breakfast to supper was prepared by them. But here, i find myself so eerily pathetic, whereby i still can’t manage my things properly. Given time for dinner, but i would still be doing something else like sleeping, bathing, surfing the net, and whatever else. What is happening to me..

And these days, i had been freaking sensitive. Take some examples in the class. I am not a hardworking student, but i believe in ‘paying more attention in class is better than keeping up ourself so late at night to study’. And i really hold tight to it because being a linguistic student, it is very boring to study the same thing every time. Plus, i do my assignments during night time and if i continue to study during that hours, i will surely be tired and exhausted. I am not lazy. Don’t say that i can use my time after classes to study. I usually go out for swimming and basketball during the evening so do not complain that i waste my time doing nothing. En plus, the time is mine, not yours!

Ok lets just get back to the point. Lately i got the results for my previous test, and i passed the test. And i passed with 75,5 marks, which i myself is contented with what i get. Just say what ever you want to say, yes, it is not a high note but at least it is more than what i targeted. I might not be the top scorer like the previous tests, but that doesn’t mean that i didn’t progress. Guess what, i did progress ok? And i got 24/25 for 1 of the paper which is the writing paper, and i didn’t expect that. … Why am i that pissed? Because, my tutor, Miss Teh, she said something that really hurt me much. “Don’t be satisfied with high marks”, “Work in groups! Share your knowledge! Don’t bodoh sombong!!”

Why are you keeping pointing at me? Look at my results, i did well, and my marks are progressing. They are not going down. But what is the reason of me always being the one pointed, the one taken as a bad example? She might not say words straight towards me, but she did something indirectly, that i can understand that she was trying to mention me in her speeches. Yes i admit that i played a lot, but look at my marks! I didn’t score 50 or 60. My marks are all above 70! And being in a language course for almost a year only, it isn’t easy to keep it up. It isn’t easy to face the lecturer’s critics and to give a neutral visage for it.

Ok, stop about that lecturer’s thingy. Now that i am more concern in getting myself more connected to the world. Its dreadful to know that people actually judges you from your appearance, not your competences. So shall i dress up like a doll so that you people will think that I’m nice, or shall i dress like Beyonce so that you guys will say I’m cool? Oh junks.

I’m missing some one right now. Again. But this person is a friend of mine, used to be close at times. Our relationship is like a season, for once, we can be so close, and the week after all i listen from that special person is silence. I don’t understand. It is so, not consistent?

Whatever it takes, i will still try to discover my life here in this so call urban ville.

With the help of the people here too, i guess..

Well, i went to church the other day to watch a skit. Its about a son (ah Kiang) wanting to become a cook, whereas his father (Mr Khoo) wished that he could become someone more educated like an acountant. Mr Khoo sells Hokkien Mee, and his wife (ah Lian) helps him with the works at the stall. Then there are these groups of neighbour, and also ah Kiang’s friend, (Sue) which i can say a very cute girl (who looks a bit like Pame). Being the only son in the family, it is for sure that the father will want his son to be a successful person, and not just any hawker selling Hokkien Mee at the Tai Pai Tong there. En revanche, the son wanted so much to be a cook, that he disobeyed his father and went to London to pursue his studies in culinary. (He should as well go to France to learn how to make fondue and couscous! =p) Few years later, he came back to Malaysia, bringing his own Hokkien Mee pati or something like that, and that made his father so proud of him. Hurm. I was so interested bout this skit because there were some conversations in Hokkien, and its kinda hard to find it here in PJ. And yea, not to forget the Hokkien Kua in the skit, which i listened Daddy and Momy singing it when i was so small! Haaha. Miss those time..