Bonjour chers amis!

Since a few weeks ago, i went hunting for apartment in town, and much to my satisfaction, i found a very nice apartment, suitable for a single woman like me. I was so happy, that everything is finally settled besides signing contract and deposits. =) I am really anticipated to move out as my current apartment is much too far from town and faculty, and having the chance to live in town is one of the many best ways to experience the french culture! Je suis vachement contente!! ^^

And so i realized that recently, i did a lot of stuffs that reminds myself that i’m literally growing up. Well, in both ways of course, positively and negatively. Yesterday, as i was having coffee with a friend of mine, we actually talked about this. We talked about how beautiful life is as we become older, and how wonderful that we are both friends even though we come from 2 very different backgrounds and origins. And when i went back home, i thought of it over and over again.

The best part is that, before this, oh God knows how lazy am i, how dependent am i, and how sloppy am i, especially because i’m the youngest in my family. Everything was done there and then, and i was never worried for everything will be done definitively. But now, it’s like i’m a totally different person. I clean my house like everyday, i discover new recipes, i do the laundry, i cook, i do my sundry shopping every weekend, i go for coffee, i pay my bills, and lots lots more. I’m independent. =)

The bad side of me being an independent woman is that i tend to disobey rules and orders. I stop listening to others, i never care more for those who are not close with me anymore. I don’t care if i don’t have any friends to spend the day with, on top of it, i’m happy and comfortable being with myself. I don’t care about how others are doing, quite because i know that they don’t bother about me as well. Maybe the word “selfish” applies perfectly in this context. But, i believe that being selfish to a certain extent and to certain people is selfish in a good way anyway. We know what’s best for us and we ignore what’s not good for us. Right? Or am i wrong? Hurm.

Whatever it is, all these changes come naturally. Previously, i never liked the idea of being a woman, needing to do everything on my own. But now, i decided that being one will be totally awesome!

On the 10th of March, grandpa’s admitted to the hospital, and i’m sitting here, unable to do a thing. I feel so guilty, i should have just called home and ask if everything’s ok. But i just don’t have time to call, and the most important thing is that, i can’t find the guts to call, i myself do not know why. I’m just afraid, and i really hate this. I feel so uneasy, and unsure. I seriously do not know what to say and i feel so alone, so… Sigh. I hate this indescribable and undesirable feelings.

The last time i felt like this was 4 years ago, when my uncle pass away. That morning, Chey drove me to tuition and on the way, we discussed whether i should go to tuition or not because both of us felt that something is going wrong. So we turned back home. When we reached home, and few minutes after that, Erjie received a phone call from my cousin saying that Tiaotiao was gone. Immediately after that, mom received a phone call from Korkor (my 2nd auntie) saying the same thing. Dad screamed and cried. Mom broke down into tears. I was dumbfounded. I was so shocked, i didn’t know what to do or say.

Of course i know, it’s the circle of life. But i’m just sad and tensed. Since Wednesday, i worried so much but as usual, nobody knew. I was hurt, for sure because i know at this moment of time, being here alone will definitely make me feel even sad, even alone, even left out.

Even if somebody here know something about this, it won’t make any difference. Because they just don’t care. They won’t want to bother about this anyways. I was then given tasks to do, tasks which was given to me and not somebody else because of some selfish reasons. Angry, and seriously annoyed i was. I felt like the world is so unfair, and i planned to finish it the easy way. I wanted to say no to the task because i was and i am not currently feeling well. I wanted to ignore, but my inner self told me not to. It’s not easy living with bunch of ignorant. Believe me.

I hope that mom will not be too sad. Actually mom has an operation coming up next week. But what if things with grandpa turn out ugly? Why has everything need to happen at the same time? And why do i not have someone i can lean my head on?

Maybe i should call tomorrow, before anyone from home calls me.

“Have u ever tried to find the words but they don’t come out right? Have u ever, have u ever?”

People might be wondering, what could be happier than having the chance to pursue studies in an European country like France. Well yes, indeed, it is nice. Being able to stay in France is literally one of the most wonderful things that had happened to me. Nevertheless, being me, i know that i always prefer to stay near my family, no matter how much money the government can provide for me to stay put in this cold country. Apparently there are too many challenges that i have to deal with and to confront each one of them every day, it is not without difficulties. And i am literally tired of thinking ways to get me out of this life that i never wished for. A life with a complicated mind and disturbed heart, it’s not the life that i would want to have.

But one thing that i look up to myself most is that, for once in my whole life, i can say that my academical results are always better than the others. I speak with pride, but not arrogance. As i grew up, i understand that it is truly important and essential to have an outstanding result in order to place ourselves together with the intellectuals. As i grew up, my friends label me as the talented language person, and with that i have never regretted when i chose this path to continue my studies in linguistics. I knew i will make it till the end, and i will make sure that it will happen. I never had the idea of being a teacher but so what, i will make sure that i’ll be a great one. One thing, and that’s it.

I usually keep things to myself. I don’t have many friends, because most of them literally come and go just like that. Plus, being the only drop of water in a huge tank of oil, it is never easy to find good friends that you can count on. Believe me. However, i am used to be labeled as the odd one, and i didn’t mind about that. Odd, as in, personally, really odd. I remembered i was scolded by a good friend when i was 13. She hindered me from going to the boarding school and she said that if i don’t listen to her, we won’t be friends anymore. And so we are not. Till now. “If she did that, then it is so clear that she never wanted to be your friend!” Yea, i know that. But the main reason that we never remain friends is not the fact that i entered boarding school. Its just that when i went in there, i never had the chance to chat with her on the telephone like we used to, and so we lost contact. I know this thing is childish and stuff, but i’m just flashing back those days. How i wish that i could turn back the clock..

Never mind. Actually that was not the main thing that i wanna share today. Gahh.. It’s already 3rd of February and CNY is so so so around the corner. So now you know how depressed i am? No one can understand this, no one no oneeeeeeeee. They say its the same because the can’t celebrate Raya with their family too but no it is not same at all! At least you guys have the bunch of ppl who would understand you guys but me here no! I am left alone like a clam in a big can of oysters. No one here would understand how i feel. I’m not exaggerating. But i’m serious! I AM HOMESICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey everyone!!

I wanna wish a

happy and joyful Christmas to you all,

family and friends, friends of family,

friends of friends,

and reader of this blog!

Merry Christmas!!

Please please please do not forget

to put a glass of hot milk (half ful) and

a plate of cookies for Santa tonight!

And exchange gifts,

ouh this is gonna be so fun!!

Merry Christmas everybody!

This is the season to be jolly,

falalalala lala la la!!!!

(taken from http://images.paraorkut.com/img/pics/images/c/christmas_snoopy-11420.jpg)

Ola guys! It has been quite a time since i last updated my blog! I was quite busy with exams, and there are alot more to come in these coming weeks. Studies are tough, but i can cope with that, i guess.

Other than that, everything is going on perfectly well, except for the moodswings i had every one of these days. It is hard to accept the fact that i’m feeling very lonely here, eventhough i tried to get on with it. Blame the ugly weather for being gloomy all the time, blame myself for avoiding such people whom i refuse to see. I have been going out alone these few days, to the movies alone, walking in town alone, because i felt that it isn’t that bad to hang out with yourself after all. Cinemas are always empty, so its like me alone in the big room so who cares right? Yea, that’s the point. Nobody cares.

My fellow friends in Malaysia have been quite quiet too, i swear. Have not talked to Momy since few weeks ago, sisters are quiet too. But i bet, they must be having fun now because its the year end break, Christmas shopping, sales here and there, great. And i’m stuck in this wonderful town, no other place to go. Yippee.

And its cold too. Its terribly cold.

Perhaps this is the first time living in a totally different place, with entirely different people. Perhaps i’ll feel better after a while. Maybe i should start mixing with a whole different group of people, learn new stuffs. Or maybe i should just leave time pass and get on with life like this. Maybe, hurm.

So yea, what’s for Christmas this year? People said celebrating Christmas in an european country would be surprisingly wonderful because of winter and chimneys. I bought my christmas tree, decorated it a little bit, by myself. Its not that bad, maybe i should go boyfriend-hunting and celebrate Christmas with him and his family. Would be a good excuse to be a little bit loving this year. Haha. It’s really a waste that most of my coursemates do not celebrate Christmas. It would be better to have someone u know to share this feeling. In a way, i’m glad that i blogged about this, it makes me feel better when i expressed how my heart feels when there’s nobody to talk to.

Nevertheless, i should say that this is a whole new experience for me, and i am looking forward for more. Give me some time, and maybe i’ll get to know more people and more things in this historical country. Again, not many of us get the chance to spend years in other countries without needing to pay a single cent. So, why complain? I’ll go find a bunch of friends to tag along, and yea. Hopefully everything will go on well and fine.

Uwa uwa uwa.. I miss my buckie. I miss him licking my hand when i wanna leash him. I miss him biting my fingers when i wanna unleash him. I miss his bulu. I wanna pet pet his head. Tsk tsk. I really really miss him.

Should i go back next February? Financial wise, memang enough wan. If i really want to go back, it will cost me around 1000 euros for flight, trains, souvenirs, and pocket money for me to spend in Malaysia. I have that. The problem is when i compare to a one week holiday in UK or somewhere, it might be cheaper than that 1000 euros, probably 50% from that amount. If i go back to my hometown, i can meet my loved ones, i mean, all of them. But then when i think again, i will balik again during the semester break in June/July. So what’s the point going back so many times and wasting so much money? Thing again and again. If i tak balik, i won’t be in the family photo. Ahhh!! That’s a nightmare ler!! Haihz. But sometimes, not everyone gets to get in the family photo. Take Yiang as an example, she was always away in Australia, and there are several years where she didn’t come back for CNY. But that’s another story because her father is super rich, like richer than Brunei king, so.. Hurm. I kinda need opinions now. I have super lots of friends in UK, my neighbour’s daughter is in UK, and my mom’s bestfriend’s daughter is in UK too. So i might as well visit them and celebrate CNY together? They might have super lots of celebrations in UK compared to France because, yea France just don’t celebrate asian traditions, so. Hurm. I don’t know. Me needs opinion.

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 ”Definitely miss my IRC days, all these ascii codes..”

Yeap yeap, its true. I am loving France, en particulier, Besancon. Wahaha! The people here are seriously nice and friendly! When i was in Malaysia, a lot of people came to me and asked me to take good care of myself because the french won’t help me if i need any help, and they are snobbish, arrogant, and won’t speak English. Ehem! Its not true at all!! Let me tell you something, when i was in a telephone boutique enquiring for some informations, the guy actually asked me so politely : “vous parlez bien francais, si non, je pourrais t’expliquer en anglais si tu veux!” (Do you speak good French because if not, i can explain in English if you wish). See? Before i spoke with that guy, i entered the boutique and queued up behind a makcik, and she actually said “bonjour” to me. And when she finished her stuffs, she said “au revoir, bonne journee” to me. Ahha! So, apa yang snobbish? Huh Huh? :p Please betulkan ye!

Lols. This weekend, we are having this Sonorama thingy happening in Besancon. I’m part of the activity, and i’ll be helping around the town this Saturday and Sunday at the theatre, and i am so happy that i took part! Haha. It’s quite a big thing, (will write more bout sonorama after the event finish next week!) and the most important thing is that the chairman is super kacak! Seriously super macho + handsome! Lol. All volunteers get a free t-shirt, and free nights in clubs too! But i have not go to one because i was so busy with assignments and classes in the evening. So, too bad. Maybe i would go to the next night out after the autumn holidays! Yippee!!

Yea, autumn holidays! I’ll be going to Paris-Rouen-Strasbourg! Yippee to the maximums! Hahax. Never thought of going these places actually but the tickets are not expensive, so i better spend now before the price goes up!

Hahax. Will blog again soon. Its 12.51am now, and i need to get my beauty sleep. I have Sonorama this Saturday so, haha!

Au revoir mes potes!

Happy ROM!! (Registration of Marriage)

Its too bad i was not there, but i bet the event was very successful and joyful as well. However, i kinda felt weird and sad because usually, things like this are meant for all family members to attend. When i was in my secondary school, i regretted for not being able to be with family because i missed alot of special occasions. For example, Erjie’s convocation in Malacca, Ryan’s birth, picnic in Batu Ferringhi, cousin’s wedding, and stuffs like that. I made a promise not to miss any family outings or occasions when i grow up, and that i won’t be far from home. But now, somehow, i guess the same thing repeated. From this year onwards, (till 2012) i will be missing alot of stuffs probably like San Jie’s convocation, Chinese New Year, Christmas, birthdays, weddings, and more to come.

Whatever it is, i am so so happy for my dear sister Erjie, for her marriage, and for her husband, Galvin kor. Its true that everybody waited for this great big day to come, because whenever Kor meets grandma and the rest of the family in Ipoh, he would surely kena pressure to kahwin
cepat-cepat. Not to forget, kahwin and have babies too. Kor has been counted in our Ang family since the very first photo he took with the big family in Ipoh during Chinese New Year, and from that time onwards, everybody knew that he will be part of the family, which he is, now. And i am so so happy that he is. Its not easy being Kor, i know. He took care of our family, he bought us presents, he brought us out jalan-jalan, advised us when we need advices, belanja us makan, and so many other things that a brother could ever do. And i am so so thankful for that, thankful for his presence.

Now that Erjie & Kor are officially married, i know, San Jie & Damien Kokor sure sangat pressure, and will kena pressure wan. We’ll see. And then, more babies will come out, and Ryan can have cousins, brothers and sisters. I’m happy.